Op-Ed: NYTimes Makes Case for Being Remunerated for Services Rendered. OMGWTFBBQ?!?

The Internet has erupted in a self-righteous squall over the recent change by the New York Times to pay-access for articles viewed electronically. A deluge of scathing reviews of the NYTimes app has flooded iTunes. Shrieks of indignation can be heard from sea to shining sea.

As per Captain Louis Renault in Casablanca, "I'm shocked, shocked to find opposition to my free lunch here."

I am simply oozing with sympathy for the hoards of whinging, bloviating freeloaders that have been forced to end their insipid, Robin Hood fantasies.

You are not entitled to benefit from the hard work and dedication of journalists and editors at no cost. There is nothing that special about you as an individual to merit such treatment.

And, no, the fact that your fleshy corpse is capable of sucking in wheezy gasps of Dorito-tinged air is not sufficiently impressive enough to merit a free subscription to the New York Times.

I am a bleeding-heart liberal. I think the Internet is just swell, and that it should be based on principles of openness and freedom. But all of you conceited, whining brats need to get over yourselves.

Also, since you've gotten this far: stop stealing music.

Paladino Breaks Through Glass Ceiling

Albany, NY -- Buffalo billionaire Carl P. Paladino, the Tea Party-backed primary candidate for governor and gibbering zombie, sent shockwaves throughout the Republican Party last night with a surprise victory over the establishment candidate, Rick Lazio.

Mr. Paladino succeeded in becoming both the first Tea Party candidate and first soulless corpse to win a Republican primary for governor. He connected to an energized Republican base with fiery rhetoric, promising to "take a baseball bat to Albany" to dislodge and consume the "delicious brains" of dysfunctional state legislators.

Supporters of the Lazio campaign were disappointed, but not shocked. Mr. Lazio, a former New York congressman, had staunchly refused to debate Mr. Paladino, publicly stating that he would not be "going anywhere near that flesh-eating freak."

The Paladino campaign capitalized on these inflammatory remarks by producing a viral video featuring Mr. Lazio's comments. Much like George Allen's infamous "Macaca" gaffe, Lazio's "Zombie" incident proved to be his downfall by generating a wave of national sympathy for Paladino.

Republican leaders across the country entered into the fracas, some of whom wholeheartedly threw their weight behind a theretofore struggling Paladino campaign.

"The best of America is alive, undead and well in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, where traditional, America-loving, patriotic humans and zombies respect the Constitution and America," said former Alaska governor Sarah Palin at a fundraiser for Paladino held in late August.

Immediately after the upset victory, pundits from either side of the aisle began observing the startling bipartisan build in momentum behind Mr. Paladino's campaign. Beyond traditional members of Republican political coalitions, Paladino has garnered the uncharacteristic support of civil rights groups for a Republican candidate.

"Carl Paladino's victory is a major defeat for the divisive and repugnant anti-zombie rhetoric that Rick Lazio has tried to spread across New York and the rest of the country," said Francis El Razaz, a staff attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union Zombie Rights Project.

There are divisions within the burgeoning pro-automaton camp, however. The ACLU itself has come under fire from other activist groups for use of the term "zombie," which many living dead consider derogatory. Advocates have lambasted the ACLU as hypocritical, and are demanding that it immediately adopt the term "necroambulist", which is Latin for "walking dead".

Mr. Paladino cannot count on necroambulist supporters alone to carry him to the governor's office in Albany. He now faces Democrat Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, also a reanimated corpse with many sympathizers, in what is shaping up to be an agitated shuffle towards the November election.

Pelosi Pandemonium

**Update**

The handiwork of the protesters can be seen in this delightful video. Heads up, NSFW language. You do catch a glimpse of the elderly lady sporting a "Victory to the Taliban" sign, though, so that's classy.

**Update**

My bleeding heart credentials notwithstanding, I've apparently become a target of the liberal protest-elite.

Lining up for the JFK, Jr. Forum event featuring Speaker of the House Mamcy Pelosi a few moments ago, I drew many a scowl from the threadbare swarm of Pelosi-etc-protesters. Hand-fashioned signs proclaiming that the "Kennedy School Supports US Wars" plodded alongside Kinko's-grade B&W double-sided pleas to "Stop The Afghanistan War."

NB: The "O" in "Stop" was appropriated from a certain democratic campaign last year (snap!). Also, I doubt that the union bugs at the bottom of each sign came from a union shop.

I'm not merely sarcastically describing my own rhetorical "crew." Protest is a sacred expression of civil disobedience (thank you, French forebears), and I think everyone should give it a shot now and again.

However, bringing five buddies to stand outside of a speaking event, with no substantive agenda or force behind your presence, seems to sap the strength of "the cause."

There are indubitably some baseline rules that bind political parties together:

1. We don't have to agree about everything to be in the same party;

2. Everyone has the right to hold their elected officials accountable; and

3. The biggest volunteers on any campaign will always have a marked impact on the bizarre-o factor in the room.

One common sense lesson that supercedes all of that, for whatever my opinion is worth, is, "If you're going to do something, do it right."

Anyway. 50 minutes in and still no Speaker. What sound do twiddling thumbs make, again?

Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes

Heavens to Murgatroyd! The collapse of the United States, even!

It appears that the 21st Century's Tiresias is Russian and has finally been acknowledged for his dedicated ranting and lunacy spanning his entire career.

This Ruskie's here to burst your collective bubble, bitches: the Unites States is on the brink of undoing that meddlesome Abe Lincoln's Federalist malarky. For those of you unfamiliar with the soothsayer in question, I present to you the star of Russia's Diplomatic Academy of Foreign Affairs, Professor Igor Panarin:



Talk about your Level 3 Sex Offender. This is the kind of guy who duct tapes himself to his leg before going to a candy store.

The professor's debaucherous tendencies make him quite well suited, however, to identify the characteristics of an empire whose imminent collapse could put the Romans to shame.

Panarin's neat, Nostradamian example of analytical chutzpah (scratch that, Russians don't like Jews) is built upon his deft (dare I say ingenious?) reading of America's economic tea leaves:

"Panarin said in the interview that the financial crisis will worsen, unemployment will rise and people will lose their savings -- factors that will cause the country’s breakup." (ibid)

He gets a "Sassy Winkey Face" sticker for this week's Succulent Statement of the Obvious. Nothing like watching CNN International for 5 minutes and then passing off your rant as authoritative commentary.

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a cynical bastard. However, two things are holding me back from believing Professor Panarin:

As former Press Secretary of ROSCOSMOS, Russia's Federal Space Agency, Panarin described his information policy's "propaganda" [sic] as breaking new ground into anti-US territory (how gauche!).

These modern-day seers are a dime a dozen, and both sides of the Divide employ them. Lest ye forget, I'll end this post with a brief history lesson before you apply for a Visa to visit Michigan. Please remember the downfall of Dr. Avery Lexington, former American Foreign Policy Paramour whose final prediction sealed the lid on his career's coffin:

“The policies emerging under Russian President Vladimir Putin hold the potential for building stronger democratic institutions as well as for radically shifting regional norms to ease tensions in the Caucuses!”