Paladino Breaks Through Glass Ceiling

Albany, NY -- Buffalo billionaire Carl P. Paladino, the Tea Party-backed primary candidate for governor and gibbering zombie, sent shockwaves throughout the Republican Party last night with a surprise victory over the establishment candidate, Rick Lazio.

Mr. Paladino succeeded in becoming both the first Tea Party candidate and first soulless corpse to win a Republican primary for governor. He connected to an energized Republican base with fiery rhetoric, promising to "take a baseball bat to Albany" to dislodge and consume the "delicious brains" of dysfunctional state legislators.

Supporters of the Lazio campaign were disappointed, but not shocked. Mr. Lazio, a former New York congressman, had staunchly refused to debate Mr. Paladino, publicly stating that he would not be "going anywhere near that flesh-eating freak."

The Paladino campaign capitalized on these inflammatory remarks by producing a viral video featuring Mr. Lazio's comments. Much like George Allen's infamous "Macaca" gaffe, Lazio's "Zombie" incident proved to be his downfall by generating a wave of national sympathy for Paladino.

Republican leaders across the country entered into the fracas, some of whom wholeheartedly threw their weight behind a theretofore struggling Paladino campaign.

"The best of America is alive, undead and well in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, where traditional, America-loving, patriotic humans and zombies respect the Constitution and America," said former Alaska governor Sarah Palin at a fundraiser for Paladino held in late August.

Immediately after the upset victory, pundits from either side of the aisle began observing the startling bipartisan build in momentum behind Mr. Paladino's campaign. Beyond traditional members of Republican political coalitions, Paladino has garnered the uncharacteristic support of civil rights groups for a Republican candidate.

"Carl Paladino's victory is a major defeat for the divisive and repugnant anti-zombie rhetoric that Rick Lazio has tried to spread across New York and the rest of the country," said Francis El Razaz, a staff attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union Zombie Rights Project.

There are divisions within the burgeoning pro-automaton camp, however. The ACLU itself has come under fire from other activist groups for use of the term "zombie," which many living dead consider derogatory. Advocates have lambasted the ACLU as hypocritical, and are demanding that it immediately adopt the term "necroambulist", which is Latin for "walking dead".

Mr. Paladino cannot count on necroambulist supporters alone to carry him to the governor's office in Albany. He now faces Democrat Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, also a reanimated corpse with many sympathizers, in what is shaping up to be an agitated shuffle towards the November election.